Life of a Loony

new blog!

2006-11-27T05:35:00.000-08:00

I have once again transplanting myself in the internet world. You can find my new blog here:
http://www.lindseyalyce.com

the beems

2006-11-25T08:11:00.000-08:00

This is my sister Emily. Toots. The Beems. As you can tell, she totally rocks. Rocks my socks off.

stupid school

2006-11-20T15:45:00.000-08:00

School requires responsibility and staying put and not vagabonding around for days and months and weeks. Rather than heaps of good conversation, I have to study. And I find this really lame.

I wish I didn't want to be in school.

But I do want to be in school.

Lame.

wants

2006-11-19T12:42:00.000-08:00

A fire has risen above my tombstone hat.
I don't want learning, or dignity,
or respectability.

I want this music and this dawn
and the warmth of your cheek against mine.

~Rumi

And that's all there is to it.

*note: I'm not being gooshy- the poem's about God.

yes

2006-11-15T14:56:00.000-08:00

(I love late November because the leaves are gone and I can see everything more clearly- not just the sky.)

i would love to kiss you

2006-11-14T18:42:00.000-08:00

I would love to kiss you.
The price of kissing is your life.

Now my loving is running toward my life shouting,
What a bargain, let's buy it.
~rumi

(I get to read a big beautiful book of Rumi for Islam class. This class reminds me why I'm in college.)

Adam and I chatted on the sofa. Well, I mostly chatted, he mostly listened. I was a bit tearsy, with little white drops falling now and again. I said, "I would rather ache and search for God than find everything else in the world. That not-having is more real than the having of anything else." That is true. And I would give my life for one Touch on the cheek because those brushes and glances and kisses are what make my life alive and I'd rather live one day with them than a hundred years without. I am thankful for this ache that keeps me awake tonight. I am thankful for life and I am thankful for longing. And I am thankful that I am longed for.

Good night and sweet dreams everyone.

wish

2006-11-13T05:47:00.000-08:00

Someone that really cares a lot about me said yesterday that their biggest wish for me was that I would always know love.

I thought about it for a while, and I couldn't think of a better thing to wish someone.

What do you wish for the people you love- your family, your friends?

snow

2006-11-11T08:29:00.000-08:00

Thursday: sunshine. high of 68 degrees
Friday: wet wet wet snow snow snow.

Welcome to Wisconsin.

(yes, i like this weather)

breathe

2006-11-08T16:22:00.000-08:00

reminder to myself: relax. just breathe. just be real. be yourself. be open. breathe.

are you a grown-up?

2006-11-04T11:12:00.000-08:00

Hunting for acorns on the Capitol's lawn, the squirrels are out. The hats are out; the scarves are out; the mittens aren't out yet, but will be soon. Big winter coats are out as are big cups of cocoa and coffee (no more smoothie weather here!). The sun is out and I am out, walking through it all and the giant leaves littering the ground. I really like November, and I really like long days when I can walk slowly.

It was a good day, yesterday, full of slow-walking things like co-op grocery shopping, white cheddar cheese, magazine-clipping prayers, bread baking, cherry flavored pipes, studying in pajamas, long walks and talks while dark is coming, nibbling soybeans with friends, laughing with coffee, watching Sex and the City and South Park with Adam. Oh, I love the weekends!

Me and two of my old roommates went to dinner together last night. I can't believe it was just under three months ago that we lived in the Yellow Castle on Gorham. It seems very far away. So much has changed. I pronounce things differently. I say "car-a-mel" instead of "carm-el." I have shorter hair, now. I spend a lot more money on coffee. I'm busier. More independent. More social. More boyfriended. I have a cat. I cook more. Jog less. I bike places. I budget. I'm in debt. I'm starting to learn how to keep my room clean. I've grown fond of rye bread, learned how to make a good cup of green tea (quality tea bags- you aren't supposed to use boiling water not let it steep more than two minutes). I have a crock pot. And use it.

If this is what growing-up is, I like it. Mostly.

What is growing-up? Are you a grown-up?

mmmm

2006-11-03T12:01:00.000-08:00

Lunch today:

Warm fresh homemade wheat/oatmeal bread with butter. Milk. A big organic figi apple. Dried white Turkish figs that taste like honey.

I love grocery-day Fridays.

november!

2006-11-01T15:11:00.000-08:00

(a picture from last november)

It's November. Isn't that wonderful?!

I like November. I really do. I daresay it's my favorite month of autumn. A lot of people don't like November. They say it's impredictable, disagreeable. I happen to like impredictable, disagreeable things. I like that I'm never sure whether to wear a light jacket or my warm winter coat. I like how the air clenches it's fists into tight icy balls. I like watching the last of the leaves fall.

It's really the anticipation that woos me. Watching the weather for snow and the trees for lights. Waiting for Thanksgiving. Yearning for winter and the holidays to begin. It's wonderful.

So, I welcome you November, with enthusiasm and anticipation. I look forward to seeing what this month brings.

Do you like November?

bringing some excitement to the long saturday at work.

2006-10-28T13:14:00.000-07:00

I just bought airplane tickets.

winter break. norway.

i'm stoked.

thirteen

2006-10-27T08:05:00.000-07:00

Superhero got the idea from this book to post an awkward adolescent photograph. It looked like so much fun, I thought I'd give it a shot.

This is my awkward photo; I think I was thirteen at the time. I took a trip to Colorado with my good friend Meg and her family (that's her brother Timmy to the right). At this time I had a ginormous crush on Jake Morrin and was still figuring things out like how to do my hair and whether or not to pluck my eyebrows (oh, that was a big dilemma). But I was also trying to figure out other things, like who God is and what life is and how to live it. I thought about those things a lot, and I remember learning a lot in those years about God and life and living. They were important times, really. But, man, I'm glad I'm not thirteen anymore.

(i wonder if I'll say that about 19, someday. young adulthood is a pretty awkward too. at least i know how to do my hair. Praise God.)

great weekend

2006-10-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

It's Monday, and I've just come back from a terrific study-free weekend at my parent's house. It was so autumn and so fun and so relaxing. We ate, we laughed, we had all sorts of adventures from gathering eggs to going to the dentist to feeding geese to eating at a little diner to picking stones along Lake Michigan to pondering art at the Milwaukee Public Art Museum to laughing with friends who I haven't seenin a long time to watching tree-shadows on a pond while rain fell. The best part? Being with my family a bit. It was really really good stuff, and I didn't want the weekend to end.

But it did. And now I am back in Mad Town. And, though I didn't think I would be Sunday afternoon, I am glad to be back. I have family here too- the girls I live with and lived with and love. It is good to be back here with them, sharing life with them. Praying, encouraging, laughing, drinking endless amounts of coffee and apple cider.

Life is good.

i am not dead

2006-10-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

I'm not dead...

Little faries have not chewed my fingers off...

Nor have I been captured by pirates...

I've just been studying.

it's autumn.

2006-10-06T19:06:00.000-07:00

cornbread in cast-iron. cider. apples we picked at the orchard.

it was the best dinner i've had in quite a while.

charming:

2006-10-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

charming: scribbling a funny little heart on my wrist while we wait for our coffee.

that inspires me.

2006-09-30T06:15:00.000-07:00

Recently, Katrina got this e-mail from someone she admires. It said that she is living evidence of what is good and true in this world. That she and her life are proof that there is good worth fighting for.

That inspires me.

life, pumpkins, and katrina brown

2006-09-27T11:50:00.000-07:00

My favourite thing about autumn is the smell of the air. But right up there in my favourite autumnal things is pumpkin. When I was little, Grammie would make me pumpkin pies. I would slice myself a big wedge and sit down with a big smile and a big fork and a big blop of whipped cream (if we had it). I loved those pumpkin pies. I still do. Pumpkin anything is terrific in my book. Katrina Brown shares this fondness with me. When I was at her house Sunday, we drank coffee with pumpkin spice creamer while we studied. And this morning, when it was rainy and sunny and we were wandering around between work and classes, we treated ourselves to pumpkin lattes and muffins at Starbucks.

While it drizzled, we found a bench under a plant with fat green leaves that blocked the rain. We nibbled on our muffins and sipped our lattes and talked about life. I like talking about life with Katrina Brown.

"Lindsey, it just totally sucks. I went to God and I asked Him to transform me. I asked him to transform me as much as He can transform a person. I asked Him to take me further. To use me and change me. But it hurts so much. It has to hurt. Sometimes God reminds me of V in V for Vendetta. I don't know if that's a healthy view of Him or not. It probably isn't. But Evey had to go through all that stuff in that extreme way or she wouldn't have lost her fear- not like she did. I know that the pain I'm feeling now is good for me, but it hurts."

Katrina said this in that measured, steady way she says things. Genuine. With a small smile. I love how Katrina Brown says things.

I've seen V for Vendetta. I didn't see a lot of God in V. But I see what Katrina is saying. I feel what Katrina is feeling. Yesterday, I was sitting by the lake between classes. The sky was bright blue and there were sailboats on the water. He found me there by the edge of the lake and plunged his hand deep into my guts. And it hurt. He is gentle with me. His touch is tender. But it still hurts. It hurts like it would hurt to hold a block of granite if all your life if you had only touched marshmallows. Which would be funny. Marshmallow land. Ha!

But it didn't feel like marshmallows, it felt like God. Sometimes I want to curl up in a warm quilt and hide inside a house. But He'd find me there. Sometimes I want to block Him out and hide inside school and friends and other wonderful things in my life. But He finds me there too. I can't hide from Him and I can't deny Him. I see Him everywhere (and in that everywhere, He finds me).

It wasn't always like that, though. I mean, I remember a time when I found it very easy to hide away. So easy, I didn't even know I was hiding. And then one night, He put His hand on my head and gave me a glimse of who He is. And I chased Him. I chased Him and chased Him and chased Him. And then one day, I discovered that He was chasing me. When I look back, I am amazed at my courage and persistance in those early days. To say, "God, I am going to follow You. Whatever that means, I'm going to do it"- that is hard. I was a scrappy little thing.

I don't think I'm so scrappy anymore. I don't really need to be. But I still need courage. Because sometimes a marshmallow bed looks a whole lot comfier than a mountain. God scares me, but I love Him. And He loves me. He loves me so much, it hurts. Loving is hard. Sometimes it's really, really hard.

But, at the same time, it's so good. Even though it's scary and it hurts, it's good. I'm sitting here in knee-high socks and it's sunny and windy and rainy outside and I feel like my insides are being taffy-pulled and I am very very happy.

I was reading e.e. cummings today under the fabric tree (which is now golden and bright)- wrapped in sun and Adam's scarf. E.e. cummings always reminds me of God. Today, this poem really hit my guts:

being to timelessness as it's to time,
love did no more begin than love will end;
where nothing is to breath to stroll to swim
love is the air the ocean and the land

(do lovers suffer?all divinities
proudly descending put on deathful flesh:
are lovers glad?only their smallest joy's
a universe emerging from a wish)

love is the voice under all silences,
the hope which has no opposite in fear;
the strength so strong mere force is feebleness:
the truth more first than sun more last than star

— do lovers love?why then to heaven with hell.
Whatever sages say and fools,all's well

It's scary to see Him. It's scary to seek Him. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Because He is that to me- the voice under all silences. And I love Him more than I knew I could love anything. Loving Him is teaching me how to love. How to live.

Living hurts.

But life is so SO good.

i know, I know...

2006-09-25T15:23:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, two boy-posts in a row. I have more going on in my life than Boy, I swear.

In fact, he was gone all weekend. And I did things like watch TV on the couch with my little sister and study at Katrina's house for hours and explore "Pick More Daisies" (the most terrific, girly little shop on Willy Street) with Janelle. And I enjoyed the fall colours like crazy and had a good talk with my favorite teacher and journaled and thought. And it was great.

And I'm still journaling and thinking and all such great things. But now Adam's back and I had a whole 4 hours to spend with him today between class and work. And I could talk about what I've been journaling and thinking (I'm sure I will) or the fall colours. But, right now I just want to talk about how Adam and I drove out to the West Side with the sunroof open in the yellow-leaf, blue-sky day listening to the Thrills and how we got fish'n'chips from this little fish market and how it was so good and we washed it down with sparkling water and how he bought me little speakers for my computer (you know a geek likes you when he buys you electronics) and how he's the only geek I know who can go through an electronic store without putzing like crazy and how he's the only music snob I know who isn't snobby about music at all and how we went to Escape and I studied and he read and we both drank cappuccinos and ate the amazing (A-MAZING) licorice he brought be back from Nebraska (if you haven't had kookabura licorice- DO) and played footsie. It was a lot of fun.

Next time, I'll have a pretty picture and a poem or maybe something brainy, even. And it won't be about Boy. Not even a little. I swear.

But for now I just have two things to say: I like Adam Whitlock and hanging out with Katrina Brown makes me really want to read Pushkin.

meet adam whitlock

2006-09-18T09:04:00.000-07:00

(Walking hand-in-hand at night after a full day of wonderful IKEA-ing and piling big boxes of furniture into his house and smoking pipes of spicy tobacco.)

Adam: You are just what the doctor ordered.

Me: Yeah?

Adam: Yup. I went to him a couple months ago and he said, "Find Lindsey Girman!!"

Me: Really?

Adam: U-huh. And I was like, "What?" And he was like, "Go!" and then he turned into an orangutang and disappeared.

The juicy news in my life these days is that I have a boyfriend. Adam is sweet and makes me laugh. I think it's pretty good news. :)

friends

2006-09-16T11:30:00.000-07:00

i have the most amazing friends.

Last night, Brianna, Hannah, Janelle, Katrina and I set out for a night on the town. We were going to smoke a hookah at the Casba, but all the outdoor seats were taken. So, we took my pipe and a pack of Katrina's cigarettes and smoked on the stoop of the capitol. It was a warmcool night with a soft breeze and stars and Brianna sketched Janelle and Katrina and Hannah laid on their backs and talked about God and life.

They are so beautiful, these friends of mine. And it was so good to be with them last night. We giggled and hit each other's butts and talked about how amazing life is, how we are so big and so small at the same time.

We talked about how much we love each other, how sweet friendship is, and how good God is

And it was night and the streets were lit and the wind was blowing.

This morning, Janelle and I invited James and Adam over for breakfast. Still in our pj's, we made them toast and omelettes while they played with Comet and Eliot. The sun was shining through the window and music was playing. Janelle made a burnt, eggy mess trying to cook Jame's omelette on 'High,' and we were bent over laughing as we tried to salvage it (the salvaging didn't work). The other omelettes worked out better and the toast had smiley faces and birthday cakes toasted onto them. We drank tea and laughed.

I have the most amazing friends.

it turns out autumn is amazing

2006-09-11T14:15:00.000-07:00

I was really nervous about autumn. Really nervous.

And then Friday night the wind changed and it became rainy and cold. Sweaters were put on, jackets taken out, umbrellas, socks, shoes. The air smells different now. It's spicier, sharper, twists on the tongue a bit. This air does funny things to me. It hits my soul in this way that chrashes deep into my guts. It stirs me in a vivid, vivid way. It makes me feel alone. It makes me remember. It makes me want to cry. And I love it.

Especially at night I love it, when the cars splash down the street and the lights hit the rain. I want to take long long walks in that air. I want to drink it like coffee. It reminds me of so many sweet things. It reminds me of so many good walks I had in Romania. Walking home from class today, I could smell the pastries I would buy at the pink bakery in Constanta on cold days. They were very sticky- I could taste the sugar that I licked from my frozen fingers while I walked by the Sea in my red hat. Inspired, I bought a small strawberry turnover at a bakery by the capitol. It wasn't sticky and I was wearing a yellow hat, not a red one. But it was still pretty wonderful.

Saturday night, my friend and I went for a long walk late at night in that air. It was in a part of town I had never explored- the sweet roads and houses along the lake behind Jenifer Street. We stopped on a yellow-lit bridge because the moon came out from behind the clouds and looked just right on the water. I said that it reminded me of a Munch painting.

I love autumn. I love this chilled, rainy weather. I love listening to Badly Drawn boy in these grey days. I love the things it makes me remember. I love baking and making risgrynsgrøtt with cinnamon and vanilla. I love how it makes coffee taste. I love autumn. ♥

upside down

2006-09-09T14:58:00.000-07:00

On Friday nights, we watch movies on the projector at Escape. This week, we decided to go for a chick flick and ice cream. We watched Addicted to Love. And we watched it upside-down with our heads on the table and our feet dangling off the top of the chairs. It was very uncomfortable.

and pretty terrific.